Heroes vs Cockroach
by ShunKazamis-Girl
Summary: They fought bad guys and dealt with school and S.H.I.E.L.D training, but how will they deal with their newest threat...?
1. Attempt 1

**1. Peter Parker/Spider-Man**

Peter was exhausted from the battle he had with some random crooks he didn't want to name. Combining that with the homework he was struggling to finish, being Spider-Man was becoming more difficult lately. As much as he wanted to continue finishing his work, he was also tired. So he decided to curl up in the coziest corner he could find in one of the rooms from the tri-carrier and fall asleep there, in his suit. He managed to get through fifteen minutes of sleep, but that was cut short due to a weird tickly feeling on his arm.

"Hehe, Saaaammm~ I swear that if you're- GAHHH!" Blinking wearily at the arm resting his head, he yelped as he found a pair of thin antennas and spindly legs crawling all over him. Shaking his arm furiously, the thing flew in mid-air, but it landed on the cold metal ground without a scratch. Now fully awake, Peter stared at the foreign organism on the ground.

_It was a cockroach_.

If the COCKROACH could speak, it would go like, "Sup bro."

Peter shivered; sure, he had seen a few cockroaches during a field trip to a science museum, but never expected to find himself face-to-face with a real one up close.

"_Please tell me it didn_'_t come from the lab_." He found himself groaning in his head. Since that… insect was disrupting his beauty sleep, he decided to get rid of it. They were household pests, but he and Aunt May never had those things in the house (especially for the occasional fly and spider), so he wasn't sure how to kill a cockroach (though he had a feeling that they might be harder to kill than they looked). And then as if on cue, Angel!Spidey and Devil!Spidey popped in.

_**Angel**_**!**_**Spidey**_**: **_**Don**_**'**_**t **__**hurt **__**it**_**! **_**Think of how innocent it looks**_**!**

_**Devil**_**!**_**Spidey**_**: **_**Innocent**_**? **_**HA**_**! **_**You**_**'**_**re a spider**_**! **_**Web it**_**! **_**Kill it**_**! **_**EAT ITTTTTTTTT**_**! **_**It**_**'**_**s **__**only a bug**_**; **_**c**_**'**_**mon**_**, **_**how **__**hard **__**could it be**_**?**

Peter hated to admit it, but his chibi devil self's idea probably wasn't a bad idea. But he's SO not eating it! That's gross! Luckily for him, he was still wearing his red and blue uniform (except the mask), so his webshooters were still attached on each wrist. He shot out a web that encased the cockroach, preventing it from escaping. It kept running at the intricate patterned walls, but they just bounced it back.

"_Phew_. _That was close_." The brunette sighed in relief. Or at least, until he saw the cockroach again.

_AND IT WAS EATING THE FREAKING WEB_.

Peter almost shrieked at this impossible event. "How is that scientifically impossible?!" He exclaimed. Cockroaches are supposed to be trapped on a spider's web! But this one was nibbling it like a pretzel stick. And it was escaping. Now baffled and confused at the unusual phenomenon, Peter quickly evacuated the room, hoping to ask one of the S.H.I.E.L.D scientists on how to get rid of it…..

..And maybe catch up on more sleep.


	2. Attempt 2

**2. Sam Alexander/Nova**

"NOOOOOOO! BOWSER, STOP KILLING OFF MARIO!"

Sam was playing Super Mario Brothers on his Nintendo 3DS and he was struggling to beat the ugliest being in the history of video games. He'd better sick S.H.I.E.L.D and the Nova Corps on the Nintendo Company and roast marshmallows as it burns… but if he did that, how will he get the awesome games and consoles?

His moment of ragequit was cut short when he saw something black and shiny crawling in the ceiling..

"HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A COCKROACH?!" He cried out upon recognizing what it was.

Bunnies scare him (specifically white ones), but cockroaches were just as terrifying.

He needed to kill it.

NOW.

Luckily for him, he had his helmet with him in case of emergencies. After putting it on and immediately switching from his black Dubstep t-shirt and jeans to his Nova Corps uniform, he blasted electromagnetic beams at the disturbing insect, hoping that the Nova Force might fry it. But it just dodged them easily, which was scientifically impossible. Then he tried pounding his fists and punching at it, but the cockroach was too fast. He _would_'_ve _swatted it with his helmet, but he didn't wanna damage the only possession of his dad's.

Frantically looking around for something else, he spied something white.. and fluffy. "_Welp_! _That_'_s the only thing left_!" He started to slam it at every direction the insect ran off to, finally catching it in a tight corner, in which he pounded the creepy-crawly with full force.

"HAHA, VICTORY~!" Sam cheered for his personal epic win, but then got disrupted when he saw the thing that he swatted the cockroach with.

It was a realistic-looking stuffed bunny.

_A. WHITE. STUFFED. BUNNY._

_AND OMG_, _HE TRIED TO KILL A COCKROACH WITH IT._

At this, Sam just took off with his 3DS and ran away, screaming unmanly screams.


	3. Attempt 3

**3. Ava Ayala/White Tiger**

Ava was determined in finishing that Sudoku puzzle she worked hard to solve on for days. As much as she enjoyed stimulating her mind in challenging puzzles and games, filling in squares that work on horizontal lines, vertical lines, AND all the squares is not an easy task. Nibbling on some carrot sticks dipped in ranch dressing, she deduced her options to either 9 or 6 in one of the squares she was filling in.

Just then, a strange feeling crept on her fingers. At first, she thought her fingers were stiff from the pencil, so she flexed them for a bit. But that didn't work. Then she figured that maybe they fell asleep, so she shook them around harshly, but that also backfired. Then she wondered if maybe the fingers were itchy due to the pencil's friction, so she decided to scratch them. That was when she saw a round black shape at the top of the pencil and shrieked as she dropped it.

A cockroach. A cockroach was crawling on her fingers.

EW, EW, EW, EW, EWWWWWWWW.

Although Ava tried hard not to show it, disgust was written all over her face. How did that thing get there?!

"_Ok_. _Calm down_, _Ava_," She mentally told herself as she quickly placed the insect at the other side of the table, away from the carrot sticks. "_Don_'_t let your primal instincts take over_; _you_'_re better than this_."

As calmly as she could, she shuffled over to her cell phone, which was resting at the other side of the table. Using the phone's internet, she decided to search up on how to kill a cockroach. She even decided to narrow down the choices listed to the best possible solutions. So far, she got:

**-Use cockroach bait, insectide spray, roach tablets, or pesticides**

**-Lob it with a shoe, book, magazine, fly swatter, DVD case, or rolling pin**

**-Set up cockroach traps**

**-Spray it or drown it with water (plain, with soap, or mixed with coffee grounds) or beer**

**-Flush it down the toilet**

**-Burn it with a roach-incinerator**

She looked around the room; she would've used her Sudoku book, but she doesn't want to risk ruining her completed puzzles with cockroach bits. The same goes for the black Converse she was wearing. And her pencil. Bait, insectide, or any forms of poison would be expensive, she doesn't know any cockroach traps, and there were no incinerators anywhere in the room (for roaches or otherwise). So that leaves two options: 1. Use water and 2. Drown it with the toilet.

Rushing to the nearest bathroom, she found a spray bottle and quickly filled it with water mixed with bubbly hand soap. When she returned to the room from earlier, she sprayed the soapy water at the nasty little bug with full force, displaying no mercy. The cockroach did nothing at first, just twitched its antennas, but then it flipped upside-down and made no movement.

….Was it dead?

"Only one way to find out." Ava said. Grabbing it by the stubby leg, she went back to the bathroom again and prepared the toilet of doom. Just when she was about to drop it into the toilet water, however, she noticed something strange.

_The cockroach was not there_.

In fact, she even saw needle-thin antennas waving at her obnoxiously at the doorway before it disappeared. Ava felt anime blood vessels popping out of her head.

"That little roach…. I'm gonna kill it!" She gritted with ground teeth. With the best amount of restrained rage, she growled at the pest before running off to find it.


	4. Attempt 4

**4. Luke Cage/Power Man**

"SWEET CHRISTMAS! IT'S A ROACH!"

Luke's scream could be heard all the way from the hallway, though nobody was there to hear it. But why was the one and only Power Man yelling in the first place? Well, his statement said all…

_There was a cockroach_.

_RIGHT. ON. THE. FACE._

Apparently, he was lifting weights for exercise while lying on the floor. At one point, he was sweating from the heavy lifting he did over the last two hours, so he started to slow down. That was when this… bug landed right at the nose bridge, splaying near the corner of his eyes. It was so sudden that he wanted to die from shock right here and there.

"_Wait a minute_! _I ain_'_t gonna be scared of some pest on my face_!" Luke realized, rising up from his spot automatically. The cockroach, momentarily losing its balance, fell down from his face. The muscular teen anticipated the timing of the insect's landing, perhaps to smack it with his bare hands, and waited….

And waited…

And waited..

But it was not there.

He looked around in his surroundings; did that bugger die already? Or did it land somewhere?

Before Luke could even answer his own questions, a weird creepy-crawly feeling started to itch on his legs. Then he realized something, crying out the following words,

"GAHHHHH! THERE'S A COCKROACH IN MY PANTS!

His legs and bottom was so itchy, so he scratched them vigorously. In fact, even if the insect wasn't crawling around, he would still have that unpleasant feeling for days. He immediately left the room, still scratching his butt off and now searching for anti-itch cream.

Somewhere in the room, a tiny black dot watched the so-called Power Man running away in pain…..


	5. Attempt 5

**5. Danny Rand/Iron Fist**

Danny walked in the room wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his lower body. Little droplets of hot water began to cool down on his skin and he was cradling a pile of clothes on one arm.

Why was he in there, you ask? He just came out of the shower, feeling cleansed and refreshed at the moment. Since his friends were occupied with their own things to do, he planned to change into his normal clothes, read a few Naruto and Fullmetal Alchemist manga, and maybe even meditate later.

Swiftly putting on a pair of light gray yoga pants and a white t-shirt with a few vertical green stripes at the left, he grabbed Volume 8 of Naruto and started from the beginning..

He was almost finishing that part about Sakura and Ino's childhood when he felt something crawling at the book's spine, just barely grazing the fingers that held it. He looked at the covers curiously.

There was a cockroach crawling on his book, its petite feet covering the death glares the two kunoichi gave to each other in the back cover. It waved its antennas at the tranquil teen's face.

Now, back in K'un L'un, he was taught to never harm animals (unless for certain reasons), even the ones that were considered as pests. Danny knew that nobody likes cockroaches, but he might feel bad just killing it. So what else was he supposed to do?

"C'MON FORTUNE COOKIE! JUST GET RID OF IT!" His train of thought was interrupted by Peter, who was standing in the doorway along with the rest of the team.

"YEAH, KUNG-FU THE THING OR SOMETHING!" Sam pleaded desperately.

"Guys, just let him finish reading. I think we bothered him already…." Ava sighed as she saw Danny with a hint of annoyance on his otherwise neutral expression.

"And leave the bug contaminating S.H.I.E.L.D? No way, man; Fury's gonna freak." Luke groaned just thinking about it.

Sensing how much negative energy they must've got due to the insect bothering them, he just went out of the room, with the manga and cockroach in hand, and came back as if nothing ever happened. The book was still there, but the little crawly thing was not there. He whistled innocently and finished reading.

"Is it gone? Is it gone?" Sam demanded rather nervously.

The martial arts master nodded. "Yes; it will not bother any of us now." Fingering the pages of the Naruto book to where he was cut off, he began to read again.

"Umm…. Danny, where exactly did you put the cockroach?" Peter can't help but to ask. Sam, Luke, and Ava agreed in unison with a small "Yeah, where?"

Danny just smirked in reply.


	6. Bonus Attempt

**Bonus: Phil Coulson, Nick Fury, and Steve Rogers/Captain America**

"Ahhh~ another day, another mission done." Agent Coulson was walking around in the tricarrier and was actually happy because he just completed a mission and managed to have a pleasantly normal date with Peter's aunt afterwards (they visited the amusement park together). All in all, life was good.

…At least, until he reached his office.

He spotted a small cockroach on top of his Captain America body pillow… AND IT WAS NIBBLING NEAR THE CROTCH.

Tiny cotton balls and chewed-up fabric littered the 'thighs' and Coulson _swore _he could've heard a small _**BURRRPPPPP**._

Enraged at the black intruder, he pulled out a gun and started to shoot it. The cockroach hurriedly crawled its way out of the blasts, jolting every once in a while and bounced every few steps whilst dodging.

"COULSON! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" That statement came from Nick Fury, who was utterly shocked at his agent's behavior. An anime vein was on the verge of popping.

"D-Director Fury! It's not what it looks like-"

Phil's voice was suddenly drowned by the rapid sounds of gunfire. Fury was using his bazooka in every corner of the office, aiming for the insect that ate bits of the Captain America body pillow.

"GET OFF MY SHIP, VERMIN!" He yelled over the extremely ear-shattering noises, bullets and cartridges flying everywhere. There were black marks everywhere in the room, destroying nearly every square area. The devious little bugger just dodged and dodged. The only time Fury stopped shooting was when a big _kaboom_ echoed out and a shiny black dot stood out in the now-burnt area of the floor. It twitched its itty-bitty antennas and teeny-weeny legs a lot until finally, in complete stillness, it died.

Phil sighed in relief, grateful that the cockroach was gone, but then went teary at the sight of his body pillow. Holes pierced the entire 'body' and one almost covered the 'head', leaving off scorched marks in the edges of the excess fabric.

"Awwwww! And I was going to try to invade the vital regions!" The S.H.I.E.L.D agent was on the verge of sobbing.

"You want to invade my….._ WHAT_?"

An innocent voice came from the doorway. Steve Rogers was just walking by, with his brown leather jacket worn over his star-spangled uniform, when he spied the debris that lurked in Coulson's office. He was visibly surprised at the damage but even _more _shocked when he saw the charred body pillow _of his image_.

Eyes wide at Captain America's reaction, Coulson's face turned really, really red.

Director Fury, on the other hand, just facepalmed.


End file.
